i’m ok, you probably aren’t

You may or may not recall a New York Times best seller, I’m OK, You’re OK, published first in 1969. It’s among the top-selling self-help books of all time.

So, I’m OK, but you probably aren’t. That’s right: chances are, you probably need a bit of psychological fine-tuning. Sort of like when I said to my mother-in-law, who denied needing it, “You don’t need counseling like I need a bullet in the head.” (Yup, I said that.) (To my mother-in-law.) I know – confusing; what I meant was that she could use some counseling.

Of course, I say this out of love. For you, for my mom-in-law, for most every person I’ve ever met. Because let’s face it, who couldn’t use some professional help? Who doesn’t come armed with a swank piece of baggage or two? That’s part of what makes each of us so unique, so “lovable.”

I sent round to a small contingent of friends and family an article from the New York Times Magazine, “Married (Happily) With Issues.” Billing it as a Must Read, I added that due to its length, it should be printed out for enjoying on public transport or the loo.

The author and her spouse go through a similar counseling process as I did with mine. While her story focuses on the marital relationship, I want to write here about how crazy useful it is to learn about oneself and how to relate to others, anyone. They should teach this stuff in school! How about a “How to Win Friends” class before lunch, after Home Ec.?

In this Harvard Business Review interview, renown psychologist Daniel Goleman talks about how important emotional and social intelligence are in business settings. Of course, they’re equally important in personal life.

Emotional intelligence has to do with self-mastery…it makes for outstanding individual performers. When it comes to leadership, your success depends on everyone else’s effectiveness. So you need to be successful in influencing, persuading, growing, inspiring other people. That’s the social intelligence ability.

Emotional intelligence governs how we handle our emotions. In order to exert control over them, Goleman says you need to know what makes yourself “tick.” On the other hand, “Social intelligence is being able to tune in to other people, to read them…and to use that [knowledge] to communicate effectively with them. One of the sure signs of social intelligence is rapport. You feel [the other person is] really listening and empathizing. You feel felt.”

Professional counseling is expensive and time-consuming, but well worth the investment. Or, check out some books and seminars. Whatever you do, at least think about it. Be it on a one-on-one basis, or in league with your partner. All sorts of stuff gets discovered amongst your bags. Unpacking is hell, but you’ll feel so much more at home once you start.

And God bless her soul: my mom-in-law, she still speaks to me. And yes, I’m still unpacking bags over here.

raising racist kids

It’s Asian Pacific American Heritage Month. It may come off as yet another one of those made-up holidays, but I’ll take what I can get with respect to my efforts to raise conscious, bi-racial kids who don’t make judgments about people based on skin color.

“What are you?” I asked my then 4-year-old.

“Chinese?” he says quizzically.

That was when I decided I should do a Lunar New Year presentation for his class, emphasizing that there’s Chinese New Year and then there’s Lunar New Year. The latter term acknowledges the fact that Chinese, Korean and Vietnamese folk all celebrate the new year on the same day, according to the cycle of the moon. (And the fact that Koreans and Vietnamese don’t call it “Chinese New Year.”)

I had posed the question as we’d been talking about how people come in different colors, sizes, shapes. I think our conversations about race have been useful. He displays no signs of feeling superior or inferior to people of other races.  Perhaps that’s helped by the fact that he lives in a bi-racial household. (His dad is white.) (Nearly translucent.) His friends are black, brown, white and yellow; and like himself, his best friend is bi-racial (black/white).

But, the fact that he didn’t know he’s half Korean was a bit of a wake-up call. While I don’t want him to make judgments based on skin color, I do want him to know about where his people come from. My action plan thus far: annual Lunar New Year presentations at school; he’s in his second year of Tae Kwon Do; he and his sister will go to Korean culture camp in Minneapolis this summer.

Then, there’s my current 4-year-old. “She doesn’t like her because her skin is brown,” she says, referring to the drama occurring between two dolls yesterday at breakfast. “It doesn’t matter what color her skin is – we’re all the same,” says I.

Really? Perhaps I should have said, “Yes, their skin color is different, but that doesn’t mean one is better than the other;” then followed up with a discussion about race and race relations. And about country of origin and personal identity. And then perhaps nuclear physics and Vermeer’s use of light…

Research shows that not talking explicitly about race, efforts to affect a “color blind” attitude and relying only on vague statements like “we’re all the same,” may do more harm than good. Authors Po Bronson and Ashley Merriman sort through the evidence in NurtureShock: New Thinking About Children. They find that most white parents don’t talk to their kids about race. They write:

It is tempting to believe that because their generation is so diverse, today’s children grow up knowing how to get along with people of every race. But numerous studies suggest that this is more of a fantasy than a fact.

Then they go on to detail a litany of fateful facts like that the more diverse a school is, the less likely kids will form cross-cultural friendships; and that only 8% of white high schoolers have a different-race best friend.

The current 4-year-old often colors the princesses in her coloring books brown. What a relief. I suppose at four, she’s still trying to sort things out. I’ll help as best I can.

a bucket of warm spit

Wow, what a blow. I’m just a lovable, cautious dilettante who asks a lot of questions and enjoys a good laugh?! Sounds like a real loser to me.

Welcome to the simple life 2.0’s version of a Cosmo quiz. I just finished taking the VIA Survey of Character and I hate it. I hate it for telling me my core character traits, ranked according to relative strength, are:

1. Appreciation of beauty and excellence – You notice and appreciate beauty, excellence, and/or skilled performance in all domains of life;

2. Curiosity and interest in the world – You are curious about everything [and] are always asking questions;

3. Capacity to love and be loved – You value close relations w/ others;

4. Humor and playfulness – You like to laugh and tease;

5. Caution, prudence and discretion – Your choices are consistently prudent ones.

What a big bucket of warm spit I must be. No heroic valor, no mind-bending creativity, no visionary leadership? Ah, well – we can’t all be center-stage masterminds, and I’m a damn good follower! Watch this TED talk about the importance of a few good followers in starting a movement.

The VIA Survey of Character is a scientifically validated measurement tool to identify what your top strengths are. It ranks 24 character strengths common among all people and cultures. For me, #2 was “Curiosity and Interest in the World”; but “Love of Learning” fell down to #14. (So, that explains why I never read past the headlines.)

The survey was assigned to me as homework for a workshop I’ll attend this weekend – “What Is My Work and How Is It Working for Me?” – my first foray into the mysterious world of life coaching. (Clearly, it wasn’t enough that I blogged about what I considered my work to be a couple weeks ago.)

hope my life coach doesn't look like this

So, why take the quiz? While it takes about half an hour to complete, it’s free and fun. And potentially useful. PsyBlog has a post about the VIA Survey that includes a list of questions you can work through once you’ve your survey results in hand.

Do your signature strengths match up with those used in your job? If not, could you adjust your job so that they do? Or perhaps even change your job?

How do your strengths fit with those closest to you, e.g. your partner?

Which strengths give you the most energy when you use them? How could you use them more? How could you use them differently – say in a different context or with different people?

What hobbies/interests do you have and how do your strengths contribute? Are there other interests you could develop on the basis of your strengths?

Maybe my core character traits would be good for becoming a teacher. Hmmm… more on that possible future endeavor later.

What makes you tick? Take the survey and let me know if you think it’s boon or bunk.

the second best thing you can do with your lips

perhaps contrary to the tone of my first post last week, i’m not actually all that Suzy Sunshine. in fact, most of my childhood buddies became my friends largely because i suspect they were afraid i’d pummel them if they didn’t befriend me. (while that may be a slight exaggeration, check out one of the comments on the About page of this blog made by a old, old, old friend.)

i see a lot of that sarcastic, wise-cracking self in my four-year-old daughter and i’m scared. actually terrified, of what parenting her will be like in another ten years or so.

at least she’ll be funny.

yeah, that’s her – yukking it up in full-on princess regalia. you might think that video was staged, but no: it’s just another day with her royal majesty.

clearly, she’s on to something because whenever she delivers her edicts along with a smile, most everyone she knows bows to her every whim. perhaps she knows about the power of smiling. and, by corollary, laughing.

i’m not suggesting that you adopt smiling as a catch-more-flies-with-honey tactic just to get what you want, though that’s definitely an upside. but i am saying that, while it isn’t late-breaking news, i figure a lot of us need to be reminded that there’s plenty of science to back the fact that smiling and laughing are really good for you. and others around you – like me.

did you know that:

- seeing someone smile produces the “same level of stimulation as eating 2,000 chocolate bars or receiving £16,000 (over $24k) in cash”? just THINK of the possibilities when i whip out the next smile on my husband as i ask him to take the trash out, already.

- judges tend to grant more lenient sentences to people who smile? it’s called the “smile-leniency effect.”

- simply using your facial muscles to pull your lips into a smile makes you feel immediately happier (even if you weren’t before)? that’s because your brain analyzes which muscles you’re using when figuring out what mood you’re in.

- smiling triggers neurotransmitters that make you feel good? smiling releases serotonin and endorphins that make you feel happy and are natural painkillers.

- laughing boosts your immune system? it reduces the level of stress hormones like cortisol, and increases the level of antibody-producing cells and the effectiveness of T cells (a type of white blood cell) making you more impervious to infection and disease. (www.RxLaughter.org is a nonprofit organization that conducts research and therapy on the benefits of entertainment for people with serious physical and emotional health problems.)

- tickling or cracking a joke in the heat of an argument can help de-escalate it? (of course we all know that, but it’s damn difficult to remember when you’re about to hurl a vase at your husband.)

- smiling and laughing are contagious? (and, that i need a good laugh?)

do you need a laugh? check out www.ImprovEverywhere.com. and here’s a hilarious video from www.FunnyOrDie.com. (guys, i’m sure the cat is ok.)

so, what’s the downside? one is that you risk losing those love handles since laughing can give you a serious abdominal work out.

know where i can find a laugh? tell me below.

sources:
- http://www.netdoctor.co.uk/healthy-living/benefits-of-smiling.htm
- http://stress.about.com/od/stresshealth/a/laughter.htm
- http://odyb.net/discoveries/little-known-reasons-and-benefits-of-smiling/